I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize