She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
