Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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