i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
