How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
