mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
it was like eating out sand paper
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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