Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
