She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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