Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
