Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize