I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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