I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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