You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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