Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
