I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
