yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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