so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
