I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
