Your dad touched me again.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Randomize
