I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
