Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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