Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
