JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
