I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
