i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
