my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
