every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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