Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize