I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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