I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
