My sheets look like a crime scene.
Me too!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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