just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
