Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
