Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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