Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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