God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
