I wish I could punch you in the face.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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