I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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