Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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