my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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