I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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