Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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