Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
