M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
