Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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