We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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