trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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