Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize