Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
