I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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