hotel room ftw
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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