She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
