I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Actions speak louder than pants.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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