She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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