You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I wear drunk well.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
