Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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