you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize