love makes seman taste better
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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