Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
