im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
