someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
