You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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