so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
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