It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
