Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
